i am uncontrollably sleepy.

 

i slept at two in the morning wondering whether i should work on some things or not. and because of too much wondering i ended up accomplishing nothing. I woke up as early as my alarm clock, took a shower and got ready for work. couldnt sleep in the car because of the radio blaring and we chanced to come accross a church friend whose car broke down. So i wasnt used to having a lot of people in the car in the morning so i didnt sleep. When i got to work, i only had 30 minutes and although i made the most of it, it just wasnt enough.
So im half asleep infront of the computer doing my best to organize my thoughts, trying hard not to drift off to Nod...
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sometimes we do something stupid like announce a crush to the whole world or pick your nose in public. my previous entry was done when i was a bit drugged... which is why im a mixture of self pity, confusion and arrogance. so im a bit worried that the person involved has read teh damn thing and will start thinkng that im a bit coo coo.. which is true.. but i am also a bit interesting... and i can count in french... :p

 

une deux trois quatre cinq six sept huit neuf dix...
poof!

 

i need to get this out of my system before my system explodes and goes haywire.

...

 

but then again i changed my mind.

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nobody really visits my friendster profile. i get a visitor stat of about 50 a month, even less. but because of a recent picture of me hugging a good looking 15 year old kid that doesnt even look like he's anything below 20, my visitor stats suddenly shot up to above 100 in less than 3 days.

 

iba talaga ang nagagawa ng chismis. :)

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i got a text message the other day from a guy i barely see and talk to around 3 in the morning. He was apologizing for sounding 'mayabang' (proud? im not good at translations) during our brief exchange of carbon dioxide earlier that day. He claims he really isnt that and i shouldnt think he is that at all. and ofcourse there is that 'hehehehe' in the end. :p

 

I remember talking to a friend of mine about the guy because he saw me talking to him that day. We both agreed that he was 'gwapo' (hehehe). I will not deny that he is good looking but its just that i probably do not see enough of him to really care.

 

I replied and told him he was corny and that i didnt really notice that he was 'mayabang' when we were talking. and i probably mentioned something stupid that i really dont remember... something about table tennis and stuff.

 

So he replied agian at 2 in the morning, agreeing that he is corny and that we should play table tennis.

 

And that got me... i had to smile and let the 'kilig' wash over me. I am not a hypocrite to deny that i have a crush on this guy. He is cute and athletic (we played table tennis once and he has a 12 year old racket that is sooo cool) and he seems nice. but he has a gf (why are ALL guys unavailable? seriously...) and we have to keep our distances because people like him do not mingle with people like me unless...

 

unless...

 

ofcourse i did something stupid and replied and maybe, i flirted a little...

 

he didnt text me the following night...

 

so i sent him a message the following morning and told him i was actually expecting an SMS at two in the morning...

 

but silence ensued.

 

i had other things occuppying my mind that day like work, classes and paranoia dilemma. but on my way home, he sent me a message asking about a website and i replied... and we kept texting for more than an hour... enjoyed every minute of it. got on to YM, chatted for about an hour... enjoyed every minute of it... exchanged good nights, and slept with a smile on my pathetic face.

 

he still texted me something at 3 am about good trees and good persons...

 

i texted back with a stupid quote about God leading us to one another because we were both crazy... or  something like that.

 

but seriously! people like him do not mingle with people like me...

 

let me talk about my insecurities for a while... i have never been the person strangers strike a conversation with at parties or gatherings. i am usually the one sitting on the armchair in the corner with a cup in her hand trying her best not to fall asleep... i am not that interesting to look at. although i am noticeably tall, i am over all plain. Although once someone does strike a conversation with me, i am charming interesting and delightful (o really?!) unless of course they are looking to get laid... i have a cousin who is so beautiful, people stop to stare at her. and chances are when people (im not close to) do talk to me, it is because they want to get close to this cousin of mine... or they want a favor...

 

this guy describes himself as over all 'praning'- meticulous when it comes to details within details. he tinkers with metadata and technology which i guess is a + + since i am quite a techie myself. He claims he does not sleep because he thinks too much about these things, curiousity robbing him of fatigue.

 

In some ways, i am a bit 'praning' too. but only when it comes to people. Its just that I dont like getting disappointed. As a matter of fact, i dwell on disappointments too much. I have close friends who do not know me well because i just dont talk. I do not sleep thinking about the people around me... about individuals who are starting to get close... should i let them in and let them get to know me? do they really want to get to know me?... coz it seems like everytime i try to talk, i find out that they're not really listening...

 

i had the same kind of relationship with my 'friend with benefits'. when he told me that we share so much that we knew one another enough to understand and accept the differences... my mistake was i believed him and i let him in... but in the end, he disappointed me... i was wrong to assume that he was really speaking the truth- that we had a connection... but he said that how he treats me now is how he treated me then... so i guess, there was really nothing there... and whatever connection i might have felt was caused by some static due to excited electrolytes in the air or raging hormones...

 

im not supposing that mr 12year-old-table tennis-racket might be interested in me... in my dreams, i am hoping that he is... but reality bites like the summer heat (53 degrees out here!) and you lay out the facts that there is no way that would be possible... not because I am not his type (goodness knows what his type is) or that he has a girlfriend (crushes happen all the time) but because these things never happen to me... and you just reach a point that you have to quit hoping that it will.

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im serious that only a few ever gets this far to reading my entries... even my friends who tell me that i never talk do not read my blog... ofcourse there is paolo, who mentioned my blog during his blogdrop who i think will always be an exception to anything... :)

 

but i gotta say, you have to let it out even if there is no audience... it doesnt matter if the tree fell and no one heard that it did... what matters is that it fell...

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***so... pao, i changed ping pong to table tennis... hehehehe

hehehehe.

im giggling

 

you can never really count on anyone.

 

i have learned over and over again that people will always disappoint you. No matter how sincere and honest a person is, they will always end up not holding their end of the bargain for you. We are all inately selfish. even the most down to earth philanthropist does things for himself. Which is why i dont want to work with people. i want to work on my own... but there is no such thing as working on your own... you will always have to rely on others for certain things... And there will always be one point in a relationship (professional or personal) that the other person will disappoint you. in my case, it happens all the time...

 

so i guess the best thing would be to keep distance... at all times... dont ask for committments, dont commit. just do your thing and let them do theirs. so that you dont disappoint them and they dont disappoint you.

been very busy for the past few days.
With work and other extracurricular activities...
i commented on a friends blog a few weeks ago about one of the irritating reasons that happen to bloggers when they stop blogging...

 

 

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i didnt really get a life. i just started hanging out more with friends. we went for a swim last saturday. i was ofcourse in a bikini...

 

underneath a sweater and pants...

 

then we have this on going project at work that created more responsibilities and obligations for me... i hope this spells 'increment' ... but i highly doubt that. i am just a tool... a tool that they can use... that they dont have to pay much...

 

that is just how much i am worth.

 

and what else? what else?
we also have 'the paranoia project' a Christian forum and blog that we are starting and trying to launch. i dont know if it will click, seeing that the most highly visited forums and blogs are about techie stuff or games or girlie stuff, but the intentions are good for these young Christians and i can do some spreading of good will myself...

 

and i have set deadlines for myself for this classes im taking... i need to get my classes done so i can move on to masterals...

 

then there are those starbucks moments after work you get to have with close friends...
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i do miss hanging out. i remember hanging out at burger king or mcdo along UN ave till they pushed us out the doors. we would just order the coke float and fries and talked. i remember having the ability to talk. i dont do that much anymore... i can write about my life but not talk... which is weird... i mean how weird is that?

 

i guess there really isnt much interesting stuff in my life worth sharing with other people.
i am completely uninteresting (correct term ba?)

 

 

how do you let go of someone that was never technically yours?

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the water was nice yesterday. did a lot of diving in the pool- a couple of belly flops, some pretty smooth ones and a whole lot of kamikazes... and now my muscles and joints hurt from all the acrobatics.

 

I went to work over the weekend. i didnt want to but i had to because our MD said he was leaving for a month and i had a couple of things i needed to organize for my department so that when he gets back we would have a head start. Im still uneasy about my job description though. ive got a lot lying on myhands and i have no idea what to do about it. sometimes the responsibilities overlap with each other that i have no idea what to prioritize.

 

But yesterday the last thing on my mind was work.

 

We had planned to go swimming about a month ago. and yesterday we finally got to do it. The weather was nice, the air warm and the water tolerably cold. The summer is about to begin and the past few days have been hell for the people of the UAE. The temperature is around 38 degrees average and i heard that that is the exact temperature in Manila... but for us, this is just the beginning and it could rise up to 48... anyway, we had a good turnout of people- some old friends and some new friends. and we had food courtesy of tita leny (who makes the BEST binagoongang baboy in the planet- no offense mom!). The guys were a lot of fun... the girls werent KJ. Chichi graced the event in a pink surfer suit (cutie). and i did my best to show off my (FL)abs.

 

It was a good day and a lot of friendship was strengthened because of this...

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I guess it really is much harder to let go of someone that was never yours.

 

is it because I have him in my dreams? or is it because he can never literally hurt me more because i am so used to getting hurt this way? that what is there to let go of?