rheytarded is alive!!!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007
the secret

secret nga eh...
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how can you bring positive vibes into your life?
 
intend it!

Monday, May 21, 2007
you're a jerk, im a jerk, we're all jerks

i probably have a great personality... but not great enough...
 
i have noticed most of the time that for those who do not know me well, they adore me when they havent taken a closer look... but once we do meet up and we hang out... my face just does not seem to match my personality, or what they expected of me... and whatever closeness we shared (over the phone, text messaging, online), before the time we spend together in real life, vanishes into thin air right after the meeting... they leave me hanging... expecting... waiting?...
 
which is why i never hide my face. who ever i meet online, i never wait for the perfect picture to come along before sending mine. its take it or leave it... ofcourse, i have always been photogenic (yes ang yabang!) so i guess that also does not count. but i have no inhibitions about webcams (no shows) or pic exchange... i am me. and my face is me. my fat is me. this is me.
 
just a tad bit frustrated about this same thing happening again... i expected it though, but at the back of my mind i wanted this one to be different... i already told myself that 'hey he's ajerk!' and i also told him that guys like him eventually turn out to be a jerk. he said no (ofcourse) and i guess i wanted him to prove himself. but he didnt even try. and disappointments will always be disappointments... and no matter how much you prepare yourself, it will always hurt, even for a little bit...
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as you noticed i changed my layout (agehhhhn?). I think the black background made me feel too gloomy. and yes i was pretty gloomy. and negative... so maybe the white and blue cheery colors would help me lighten up and start writing more happier entries... color does affect the mood a great deal... and i think im ready for change...

Sunday, May 20, 2007
wrong judgements

the other day i was too pissed to explain exactly why i was very happy. its good that i didnt, then i would have dwelt too much on the bright side of things.
 
i hate that about me. i dwell on the bright side too much when things go right. and when i say dwell, i mean the world is totally spinning on its axis... its perfect. life becomes perfect.
 
but you know life... its also deceiving.
 
so my perfect day was just a stop at a beautiful place... its not my destination, its just a stop. so as soon as i got back on the bus headed to my destination, the same nauseating odor washed over me, and the impending reality that is my life jerked me back to face it.
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its better to be pessimistic and expect the worst than to always think on the bright side and get disappointed.
 
you save yourself the heartache of being let down...
 

Saturday, May 19, 2007
Bloody day

i slept for 8 hours today. and i had a lot of chances to get up and do something but my body betrayed me... the spirit was willing but the flesh was toooo weak.
 
its my dad's 50th bday today. and he decided to spend it on the couch watching tv...
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my body hurts. i got my bloody thing today. which is the best explanation of my recent outburst about religion and stuff. i get moody and irritable and sensitive around these times... well i am already that during normal days but its quadrupled when i have my period... so any normal reaction is multiplied gazilion times...
 
anyway, i went to check my friendster messages today and saw this on the bulletin board from an old friend... made my blood boil
 
 
and another one..
ok... so i love posting surveys... its funny... and at the same time i get to see what other people answer to the same questions... its like an informal conversation... ever been hit by the 'slam book' phase?
 
so i had to retaliate... this kid is a lot younger than me... around 5 to 6 years and he use to be a midget who loved wearing my sandals...
 
this was my reply...
 
i wanted to write more... i wanted to say he was being such an ass... and more... but i got tired and wanted to take a nap... anyway, the moment has passed and it would be weird to send him another message as a follow up of the things i didnt get to write...
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and it was the hormones talking... not me...

Friday, May 18, 2007
asserting your beliefs

after a long very 'nakakakilig' day....
 
i got home, got on the net, surfed, conversed online with some friends, watched the new transformers trailer (AWESOME DUDE!!! check it out at www.cybph.com - thanks alex), ate sushi, made a dare (i hope you do it pao), read some emails and then i read one entry somewhere in this blogosphere that really pissed me off...
 
im not even going to link to the entry because the very logic in the person's argument disgusts me that i dont even want to infect anyone of his 'blasphemous' heresies... (good thing im not quoting anyone or i would be flooded with unwanted arguments about how wrong i am)... Im not a fanatic. that's the last thing i will ever be. except that whenever my beliefs are being grounded to powder, i would feel the need to defend whatever it is that i hold in my heart... i think this is what they call pride. i think. im not sure... but reading through the entry and comments of the post, i just wanted to prove to myself that none of that 'logical' crap is true.
 
im not one to argue about faith and belief and religion. I dont even consider myself a very religious person... sure i go to church regularly, i teach the choir and i am very much involved in other ministries, but religion is a lifestyle... and i still have imperfections in my life that cannot be counted as decisions based on my faith... i still have a long way to go... but i do know that i believe in God more than anything because of these imperfections... The more imperfections I find, the more i know that God is watching over me because im getting by without a scratch.
 
if you do not have faith, you cannot pose to know what it is that we have in our hearts when it comes to believing in God. i prefer to keep my convictions to myself without having to shove it down everyone elses' throats. but when it is shoved into mine (solicited or unsolicited), I have the right to throw up and say something like- 'yuck'. i know you didnt ask me to read your blog, i just happened to stumble upon it. the same way i am not asking you to read mine if you chance to do the same...
 
i cannot blame religious fundamentalist fanatics who would start an uproar to remove or prevent some controversial photo or movie that was well publicized... you stepped on their boundaries, you made fun of their convictions, you say that it was done without any intention of harming anyone, but the fact still remains that you used someone elses symbols of faith as your own symbol of mockery or even lightly as entertainment. If you call that self expression, then it is amusing that you call yourself intellectuals... in my terms, i would call you stupid...
 
there are always borders, boundaries, limitations, to everything and anything under the sun. when these fanatics go haywire and start hurting other people, yes that is the best reason for people to get mad... but do not blame who they worship... when there are stalkers who go crazy, we do not judge the celebrity they are obsessing over... when i go crazy, i dont blame the sugar... i blame me.
 
God is beyond our comprehension. He created the world! Unless we know how to create a world, only then can we understand His ways, His movements, His decisions, His methods... Only then do we earn the right to judge Him. Only then do we earn the right to disbelieve Him. You may ask, how can we believe something we do not understand? But i ask you, how can you deny something you cannot grasp? just because to our lame minds, we cannot understand, that does not make something untrue...
 
 
i end with a thought...
 
to those who do not believe that there is a God, let us consider this moment that you are right and us God-fearing- believing individuals are wrong, what do we all get?
> you get a sense of superiority (coz you were right) and pride... i guess... and us- we are just plain fanatics (like those collectors who spend a lot of money on their collections). When we all die, our bodies are buried and eaten by worms, our souls- oh in this instance we dont have souls...
 
but what if we were right? what do we all get?
> You have this entire lifetime to get right with God. If you read your Bible (which i bet you dont because i dont do it that often either but i konw i should...), there is this sin of unbelief that you are guilty of... for it is appointed unto man once to die, and after this, the judgement... We all get judged... but for those who trusted God they get heaven... and for those who chose to deny He exists get, ofcourse... you know... if you wanna find out, read your Bible (Rev 21:8). 
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you know those 20 seconds right after someone unknowingly steps on your toes and grinds it because they are oblivious to what they are doing to you... you have to shout for this person to get off, you have to cry in pain... 20 seconds of excruciating pain... 20 seconds of screaming... 20 seconds of expressing your predicament... it is your right to say something... its not the person's fault because he had no intentions of stepping on your toes... its not your fault either because we all have the right to wear open toed sandals... but boundaries were crossed... toes were stepped on...
 
my beliefs were stomped on... i had to say something... doesnt mean it will never happen again... doesnt mean i should just shut up either...
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i have each other

I am Schizophrenic...
atleast i have each other...

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