i woke up at 8:30 today. not my typical saturday morning schedule. usually, i would sleep till 12 in the afternoon but today i woke up early because ive had too much rest the past few days... its already 4 pm and the only productive thing that i accomplished today was go to my tutorials that i didnt get to go to for two sessions because of my asthma. i coughed in her face most of the time but we got through two subjects, did a lot of brain storming and i gave her ideas on her assignments. i enjoy my tutorials. it doesnt pay much but the extra money is needed and i get to brush up on my math and english basics. wished i could do more tutorials... so that i can afford the wedding that i want. last night i made a couple of earrings that i want to sell. i hope i can sell them soon. i also have the clickincloset stuff... which i hanvet touched for a while. i think i should work on those today... anyhoo. i dont have plans anymore. i thought i did, but it looks like somoene is getting tired of me.

i have done a lot of very bad investments in the past 5 years- emotional, monetary, time, and intellection. I have resolved to make amends but to no avail, i am still where i was five years ago- NOWHERE. i have tried to start a band, start a blog, run a business, try to teach, take up classes, lose weight, join the marathon, stop eating rice, learn tchaikovsky's four seasons (autumn) on the violin, master my classical guitar, sell handmade jewellery, water color, sketch, design my webpage, work on my portfolio, learn to speak french, arabic, german, practice pingpong, clean up my wardrobe, maintain my eyebrows, take up driving lessons, control my impulsive shopping, get rid of my credit cards, get out of debt, move to another country, practice my piano everyday, etc etc... i have not accomplished anything at all... what sucks is, i dont know what i really want anymore... im suppose to be planning a wedding that will be happening in 120 days, but i cant seem to put my nose into what i want... do i really want an ok wedding? am i stupid to want a nice wedding? is it really worth the time and effort to pretend that im okay with just a mediocre wedding? or should i just say, no lets stop kidding ourselves... i can live without a wedding... phooey. ill just wear my wedding gown to work.

its been almost two months since i last blogged...
this is how i am...
i disappear...
then resurface...
then dwindle down...
keep quiet for a while...
and then go back...

hopefully this time its for keeps...

http://www.rheytarded.com

i am 'there' once again…

'there' in my dictionary means that place where I want to be but having second thoughts of being because of fear that its too much of a risk…

'there' is a sky dive- the thought of jumping is exhilirating, you know that the part where you are flying through mid air would be an out of this world experience, but the part where you are about to make that leap, that is the scariest… you know you are not going to die… but you think anything could go wrong… that the experience might not be worth it, although you know deep in your hear that IT IS worth it… but you freeze until that one person who's going to take that leap with you takes you by the hand and tells you to jump… and you do… and you scream your lungs out… but you don't die… you just fly….

'there' is that silent moment before the first kiss… you want to lean forward but you don't want to come out as cheap. You know he wants to kiss you. But he doesn't want to be aggressive. You're holding hands and the grip is tighter… until your eyes finally meet and agree that it is time… then your lips touch for the first time and you just melt…

'there' is that period before making the decision where you calculate your risks... although you have made up your mind and you know that you are going to do the right thing, you just want to assure yourself that the profit will be more valuable than the losses...

i am 'there' once again. i have made up my mind and allowed myself to be in the position where all i can do is move forward and take the leap... and yes, i do have someone holding my hand... there are moments when im still uncertain, but i know i am going to move forward...

i havent been blogging because... i am always at a loss for words... which is one of the reasons why i love deirdre's page. i can relate to her inner battles so well...

anyway, i want to keep posting though. until i find my zeal to keep doing it again...
so what im gonna do is just put any stuff as long as i get to post...

today i posted this on the friendster bulletin board...